app for the box

[idkmybffjesus]

Player Information
Player name: Liz
Contact: aim: the zombie nun
Are you over 18: yes
Characters in The Box Already: Ana Ramir

Character Information
Character Name: Biff
Canon: LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Canon Point: A bit further along than he was last time; he's now read most of the Bible.
History:

Biff's world is a lot like ours, albeit in and around Israel, some 2013 years earlier. Here and there there are biblical miracles as well, such as Yogis of India with the ability to multiply food, or magicians living for over 200 years due to pacts with demons, but it generally is meant to be precisely the same as our world.

Biff himself is no one important. He was born Levi, the firstborn son of Alphaeus of Nazareth, a simple Jewish stonemason. He probably would have lived and died a simple Jewish stonemason himself, if he hadn't met Joshua bar Joseph when they both were six. Biff (which is slang for "a smack upside the head", of which his mother claimed he needed several from an early age—the nickname stuck) first saw Joshua with a lizard dangling from his mouth. Ignoring Biff's cries of unclean!, Joshua handed the lizard off to his younger brother, who played with it until it threatened to bite, then mashed it with a rock. Joshua took the lizard again, stuck it back into his mouth, and back to life it sprang, ready for the game to repeat. Biff decided he wanted to do it too, and a fast friendship was formed.

Joshua and Biff grew up together, and were near inseparable. It was no secret between the two of them that Joshua was the Messiah, although his mother (a beautiful woman named Mary, whom Biff decided he would marry when Joseph died) asked the boys not to tell the rest of the town, who wouldn't understand. It wasn't generally a difficult task, except for the occasional miracle, as when Joshua's face would appear on every loaf of bread around town. Biff was the one who suggested Joshua cut his hair short, and from then on it was just a task of "Oh, him? No, he's not the kid that was on the bread, that was some other kid with longer hair." It was easier to cover the brief revival of a priest's dead mother, as Joshua was far enough back in the crowd that the general panicking escape from the walking corpse hid him. The woman didn't walk for long, and was dead again just a moment later.

When they boys were about ten, they met Maggie. Mary of Magdala captured their hearts immediately, even though she was only ten herself. Biff immediately decided that he would marry her, and Joshua's mother was relegated to being his back-up wife. The three of them, with Biff in love with Maggie, Maggie in love with Joshua, and Joshua concentrating on his studies of the Torah and on being the Chosen One, spent a lot of time together. It was a generally happy time for them, until the night they decided to sneak to the city of Sepphoris to circumcise the statue of Apollo that Joshua and Biff had decided was in sore, gentile need of it while working with Biff's father. They snuck out of Nazareth under the cover of darkness, found their way to Sepphoris, accidentally knocked of Apollo's entire member, and witnessed the murder of a Roman guard. They caught a glimpse of the killer's face before he dashed away, and all three were horrified to see it was none other than Maggie's uncle Jeremiah, who was secretly a member of the Sicarii, Jewish zealots against Roman rule. Jeremiah fled, but the damage was done. Romans, as it turns out, were prickly about having one of their own murdered, and the general tactic was to begin capturing, torturing, and crucifying Jews until they found the right one. And when they did find the right rebel Jew, his entire family would be put to death with him. And as if that weren't bad enough, Joshua's stepfather Joseph was captured near the body and was being held for questioning, presumably to be put shortly afterward to death. Joshua prayed to his father to show him the right path, and eventually came up with his answer: if there was no corpse, there would be no crime, and Maggie's family would be safe.

They returned to Sepphoris the following day, and Biff distracted the Roman centurions while Joshua got close enough to work his miracle. The slain soldier sprang back to life, to the amazement of all, pointed out Jeremiah as his killer, and keeled over again. With irrefutable proof like that, it was very difficult for the Romans to do anything but kill Jeremiah, and the Roman in charge ordered all assembled Jews to go home and perpetrate no weird shit until he had gotten well and drunk and had several days to sleep it off. This would have been a victory, but Maggie shortly after took to avoiding Joshua and Biff. Biff finally tracked her down and got an explanation from her: in return for gaining the Pharisees' support while her family worried over what to do about Jeremiah, Maggie had been promised in marriage to Jakan, the bully son of one of them. Her marriage would be in six months.

It was then that a thirteen-year-late angel visited Joshua (and incidentally, Biff) in a grove of trees to announce the birth of Christ. Upon realizing his tardiness, he ducked briefly back into Heaven to get his next announcement: that Joshua was to leave Nazareth to Find His Destiny. Oh, and also, that he could not lay with a woman. In the face of this news, and in no little part to spare themselves the pain of watching the girl they both loved marry a boy they both loathed Joshua and Biff planned to leave Nazareth before the wedding ceremony. Biff, again the messenger, was made to go and tell Maggie their decision, and she was understandably upset. She would not only marry a creep, but she would lose her two best friends. She told Biff to send Joshua to her on the night before they were to leave, but Joshua sent Biff in his stead, telling him that he couldn't go himself, and if he didn't talk much, in the darkness Maggie wouldn't know the difference. Ever the loyal friend, Biff agreed to the deception. He didn't realize Maggie had planned to lay with Joshua before he left, and Joshua had been right — in the darkness, she mistook one boy for the other. The gig was up when, afterward, she said, "I love you, Joshua," to which Biff relied, "He knows, Maggie." She forgave him, and only thanked him for being there. Joshua and Biff started on the Silk Road at dawn the next morning.

The next 17 years of their travels are affectionately referred to by the author as Josh and Biff's Excellent Adventure. Their aim is to visit each of the wise men that had visited Mary and Joseph on the eve of Joshua's birth, and the first one on their list is the magician Balthasar. He's a 260 year old man who looks a fraction of his age, kept alive by a pact with a demon. He had sought Joshua because he was looking for a way to gain immortality without the need of a demon, and he believed the Christ possessed the secret to eternal life. When Joshua came to him 13 years after his birth, Balthasar was happy to take him and Biff into his great fortress, complete with his eight Chinese concubines, and teach Joshua everything he knew, and most especially about compassion, moderation, and humility, the three jewels of the Tao. Biff, in the meantime, learned from the eight Chinese concubines. He learned sleight of hand, poisoning, how to mix chemicals to explode, and how to best enjoy sleeping with eight beautiful women whenever he wanted. They spent five years in Balthasar's fortress, until curiosity got the better of Biff and the concubines. With the help of the head concubine, Joy (short for Tiny Feet of the Divine Dance of Joyous Orgasm), Biff made a copy of the key that Balthasar kept around his neck, and unlocked the mysterious iron door at the center of the fortress. That was when Biff learned about the presence of the demon, called Catch. Catch murdered all of the concubines but Joy, and was doing his very best to similarly devour Biff and Joy when Joshua returned to the fortress. He promptly banished Catch back to Hell, and the three of them watched as Balthasar's years very suddenly caught up with him. Balthasar lingered less than a week after that, and after saying goodbye to Joy, Joshua and Biff started out for the next wise man.

They found Gaspar in the Temple of the Celestial Buddha, and Balthasar's parting advice to "take a coat" proved very useful. The temple was nestled high in the mountains, where being cold was a way of life. Joshua began his next phase of studies under the wise monk Gaspar, who lived with an entire flock of orange-garbed, bald monks. For his part, Biff became the monastery's worst monk, tolerated only because he came in a pair with Joshua. (Although he picked up very fast on the art of beating people up with sticks, and became something of a martial art expert.) Here, Joshua learned oneness with the universe. He learned that to love thy neighbor as thy loves thyself is not selfish, since we are all the same. He learned it so well, and meditated so deeply, that he turned himself invisible for a few supremely meditative days. Biff reigned him back in, and Gaspar returned him to our plane of existence with a few more deep, philosophical thoughts that went straight over Biff's head, as most monk-based things did. Their cue to leave came when the Yeti died. A great, white, hairy creature, who spoke no common language, but who sang the song of his loneliness and sorrow, the Yeti was more commonly known as The Old Man of the Mountain. Gaspar and his monks routinely brought him food, and after taking Biff and Joshua to meet him, Joshua found his last lesson in this sad creature. The Yeti loved instantly and unconditionally, and it was this that Josh was meant to learn on the mountain. After the creature's death, ten years into their training with the monks, Biff and Joshua departed for the last of the wise men.

They found Melchior in India. After a brief skirmish with the local religion, wherein Joshua and Biff devised an elaborate plan to interrupt a ceremony of Kali and save the children planned as sacrifices, they travelled to Tamil and found Melchior living in a small nook on a sheer cliff face as a yogi. From Melchior, Joshua learned to duplicate a single grain of rice into a bowl of it, to use yoga to stuff himself into a traveling satchel, and that there is a holy spark in each man, woman, and child alive, and this is the essence of God in all of us. Biff learned to turn a profit off of Joshua's newfound food duplication technique, bought himself Kama Sutra lessons with a local prostitute, and purchased an elephant. It was a comfortable two years.

But finally, a sign appeared to call them home: Mary's face appeared perfectly outlined on the wall of a temple of Vishnu. Joshua, having learned all he could from the three wise men, only had how to teach it to others left to learn. They arrive back in Nazareth without ceremony, welcomed by a fully grown younger brother of Joshua, who is resentful that their mother's favorite son has returned. They're too late to see Joseph, who had died two months ago, and had died asking after Joshua.

The two of them reunite with Joshua's cousin, John, who has begin to make quite a name for himself as a baptist. He's gained himself a lot of followers, but also a lot of enemies. It's hardly a year into their stay that John is put to death by Herod, who had gotten tired of being called a slut by John. With encouragement by Biff and the other disciples that he'd begun to gather, Joshua gains the crowd of followers that John had collected. What follows is essentially the story that the Bible tells; from preaching on a boat, to casting the demons called Legion out of their host and into a herd of pigs, to spending 40 days in the desert and meeting the devil. Biff remains steadfast, loyal, and protective through it all. They meet up with Maggie again, who joins their group after a well-planned disastrous dinner party convinces her husband that she's besought by demons, and he's all too happy to divorce her. Through it all, Joshua knows what's coming, and welcomes Judas Iscariot into their group with open arms. Judas betrays Joshua for those thirty silver pieces, although Joshua has to send the incredibly protective Biff away at the crucial moment to allow himself to be captured. Even then, Biff and the others form a plan to make it only look as if the crucified Joshua has died, involving poisons Biff learned from Joy — until all of his carefully laid plans are foiled by the thrust of a spear into Joshua's side that kills him.

It's then that Biff, blinded with rage and devastated by the death of his best friend, murders Judas, and flings himself into the sea afterward. It's this act of suicide that has him stricken from the record by the other disciples, and left out of the Bible. The act itself is a sin, of course, but of all the disciples, Biff should have had the most faith in Joshua. He should have believed that his friend would return, as he told them he would. Instead he let his rage and devastation overcome him, and turned his back on Joshua's promise.

Two thousand years later, the angel Raziel resurrects Biff, brings him to New York City, and locks him in a hotel room under angelic guard until he writes his own account of Joshua — who is now well-known by his Greek name, Jesus. Biff discovers a Bible in the hotel room drawer and hides it in the bathroom, but can only read it in brief chunks, least the angel suspect he's doing something shifty in there. It's from here that he'll be taken.

Personality:

It takes a pretty special guy to be the best friend of the Christ. If the guy you spend all your time around could bring back the dead from the time he was six years old, well, you're going to either develop one Hell of an inferiority complex, or a really good sense of humor. Biff opted for the latter.

It's hard to get Biff to stop telling jokes, and nothing is sacred. Or, nearly nothing. Joshua was the only one with the ability to point out for Biff when he was being insensitive, and sometimes he even listened. Or sometimes, and especially in relation to Joshua himself, he would just carry right on with the mockery, to the point of getting even the Prince of Peace to deck him. He even invented sarcasm to help him in his journey of greatly vexing the Savior of Mankind — "It's sarcasm, Josh. It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point." A tool, it's worth noting, that he greatly resents having used against him.

Biff is also a big fan of all the sins that have to do with impure thoughts. He started early with the sin of Onan— spilling your seed upon the ground— and didn't even mind the resulting dunks in the ice cold fountain to purify himself. After Joshua learned from an angel that he could have no fornication with a woman and the two left Nazareth to travel, Biff took it upon himself to experience enough harlots for the both of them, because he was just that good a friend. They went through most of their travel money in the first month, buying prostitutes for Biff to sleep with and describe for Joshua, who was trying to understand sin. One of the many sacrifices he was willing to make for his friend.

He also tends to fall deeply and immediately in love with women, particularly those who will sleep with him. It started with Mary, Joshua's mother, on whom he's always had a little boy crush (not that he ever slept with her — that would probably be a little too much vexation for Joshua), fixated most strongly on Mary of Magdala, and extended to the eight Chinese concubines of Balthasar's fortress, the beautiful prostitute of Tamil, and nearly every woman in between. Joshua has never attempted to stop his friend, though; he only accepts his vices with a sigh.

There's more to Biff than that, though. He is endlessly loyal to and protective of Joshua, and would do anything for him. He put up with living in the misery of the sex-forbidden mountain monastery for ten years for Joshua, even though that involved shaving the yak — which was, sadly, not a euphemism. And sometimes, it even seems as if Joshua's unwavering compassion and patience has rubbed off on Biff, at least a little. When he needs to, Biff can be sensitive, selfless, and even explain things delicately to a third party to save someone else a painful confrontation.

He follows Joshua unquestioningly, even if he may be the one man who is completely unimpressed by his talents. An angel appeared to deliver the Lord's news unto his Son? Hey, Josh, ask about that fornication with a woman thing, that seems important. Joshua has gone invisible? Well, that's stranger than usual. Joshua can duplicate rice and feed the hungry? Let's turn a profit off it. Joshua can raise the dead and heal the blind? Hey, go heal that blind kind, he was rubbing his begging skills in way too smugly earlier. This stance tends to make Biff very practical. When you're not awed by the coolest thing in the land, well, there's just not much else that can get you. He carries this casual acceptance of Weird Shit even into death with him, and after smiting the angel in the mouth for resurrecting him 2000 years late, he pretty calmly accepts his new lot in life. After spending some time fleeing in terror from modern marvels, of course.

And last of all, to neatly compliment his practicality, Biff is also unexpectedly efficient and clever, which started at a young age. In a discussion about why Biff should accompany Joshua on his travels, Biff asked, "Josh, if a stranger comes up to you on the road to Antioch and asks you how much money you are carrying, what do you tell him?" “That will depend on how much I am carrying.” “No it won’t. You haven’t enough for a crust of bread. You are a poor beggar.” “But that’s not true.” “Exactly.” This proved to be the role he played through most of their travels, one of common sense, street smarts, and the well-placed ability to lie. This is only increased when he learns to poison, mix chemicals, explode things, and efficiently beat people up in their travels. After they've returned to Galilee, when he sees that he, Josh, and the slowly-gathering disciples are completely broke, who does he next recruit into the fold? Why, a tax-collector. When a Pharisee threatens Joshua with a knife, Biff makes sure it's out of his hands and breaks the blade against a stone in less time than it takes for the Pharisee to realize he'd moved. He may be the sinning, idiot friend that trails after Joshua and moons hopelessly after Maggie, but he's also one of the core strengths of their group. He's dedicated to his friends completely, and seems able to finagle anything to work out for them.

Almost anything, anyway. Don't talk to him about Easter.

Items on your character at canon point:

Clothes, a hand towel, and a tiny bottle of hotel shampoo.

Abilities, Strengths and Weaknesses:

Having trained with various magicians, monks, and yogis for the last 17 years or so means Biff is really, really good at lots of things. He can create poisons and paralyzing toxins; he can administer them with impressive slight of hand; he can take on many opponents with nothing but a stick, or even unarmed; he knows the entire Kama Sutra, and can have erotic dreams on command. He also, thanks to the angel that resurrected him, can speak and write in any language on Earth.

Biff is also pretty street-smart, as evidenced by being the one to constantly pull Joshua out of trouble. He's competent, useful, catches on quickly, but he's also pretty unbearably lazy. Biff would like nothing more than to lay around with a beautiful woman (or two, or three, or four — how about nine?) and do nothing at all, ever, it's only having the best friend he did that ever drove him to get up and do anything. He revels in the sorts of things that good Jews were meant to consider dirty and sinful, and Biff is fully alright with that.

There's also, most recently, a deep depression in him, due to the culmination of his life and his goals (keeping Joshua well and alive) ultimately ending in failure. This is something he has yet to face, and he'd sooner make a joke and change the subject rather than face anything like that

Samples
Network/Action Spam Sample:

[ There's the sound of fiddling with the comm, naturally. Welcome to the usual struggle of the technologically inept. ]

You know, an angel gave me the Gift of Tongues. [ rustle ruffle scuff. ] His words, not mine. I said I'd had it all along, and you could ask any girl I knew about it, but the language part is pretty convenient. I can insult guys from parts of the world I'd never even heard of, now.

So anyway, I'm going to go ahead and assume I got this thing working right. It's not that different from the hotel remote, except not much happens when I try pointing it at a TV. Is there a way to fix that? I lost the actual remote, and can't figure out how to turn off the soap operas without it.

[ One last round of scuffling as he sets it down, and this part sounds fainter, distracted: ]

I told him the world was round. I'm still working on the stickiness theory, but it's definitely round.

Prose Log Sample:

It felt like freedom, at first.

He was out of the hotel room, away from the angel, and as far as he could tell, nowhere the angel would be able to find him any time soon. Alright, so some… demon in a machine had kidnapped him, yeah, that was a little disconcerting, but at least he was out of the hotel room. And so he'd promptly taken to wandering.

He'd seen these streets on the TV. (Why did it seem like every single show was set in New York City? Was this new country really so small? Or maybe the rest of it had nothing worth showing off.) Safely on TV, he'd seen hotdog vendors, street artists, crazy guys, steaming manhole covers, and speeding taxis, but he was rapidly learning that it was a little different to be able to smell the untrustworthy hodgepodge of meat (that had to be unclean), swerve to avoid artists and crazy guys, accidentally walk into the foul-smelling steam, and nearly be run over by a taxi.

It was a little lonely, he was beginning to discover. In a city so full of life and commotion, where people didn't go home to sleep like reasonable folks after the sun set, where Joshua's name and face popped up on something or other three times in ten minutes — was there anyone else here that had been alive 2000 years ago? Sorry, he'd jumped up in time again— 2013 years ago, now. It was like he was lost in a sea of children. Josh probably would have loved it.

Biff glanced down at the "comm" he'd been given, eyed it thoughtfully. He'd picked up some of the speech the demon had given him before fleeing in terror (the wise man does not hang around demons to see whether they would like to devour him or not, he's pretty sure that's written somewhere), and he remembers something about other visitors. Uh, "heroes", sorry. If he can figure out how to talk to them through this thing even though it looks completely different from the hotel phone, maybe he'll meet someone that won't make him feel quite so alone.

Or maybe he'll just meet a pretty girl. That would probably be even better.